These are titles for stories or possible chapters in my forth coming book:
the night they burned ol' dixie down (bonfire of my soul)
burn a highway, runaway
dont eat lucky charms
you big jerk!, or how isomura tricked me
a night of drinking, a day of yakuza
solitary confinement
bars, dogs, guns, a night of terror
jerry liked to jerk when i told stories
how a religious joke made AF history, not in a big way
my roommate liked wet dreams
the boy i tried to save
how mad can i get? chase a doctor and see
why do i love rasperberry nutrigrains?
four seasons in one day, hakoda road trip
brownies anyone?
stop stealing my car!
the heidelburg
hell house or whorehouse?
dj bj
this is why i'm going to hell, or the many reasons i don't believe in morality (namely yours!)
pizza and curry challenge
they've got a vending machine for that
my supervisor was a crook, makin pizza and makin money
lucy (lucifer) the cat
my biology teacher
algebra isn't for everyone, or how i became an office aide
winters, mr. winters
they forgot me in hawaii!
zero mountain
skipping school to play on a sunken barge in the mississippi
recycling, the devil's hands upon me
hardee's with Don Johnson
you shouldn't eat fast food, if you're a jerk
smells like a good boy sat here
you can't dress up as a maid for school
my uncles had no shame
my trial and first day in
freedom and IHOP
when you start a revolution be prepared for the blowback
breaking and entering, friends and forts
troy and his brother
the neighborhood isn't safe, we steal food and drinks
the No brothers
No, OD, Jason, and grandma
10th grade, living in the sewers
the neighbor girl was 9, i was 5, making adult movies
when you runaway you need mayo or honey sandwiches
ms. campbell
african violets
handicap kids make me cry and fight
what happens if you steal a farmer's truck?
the necto's basement party
an abandonded dorm, basement, and closet
drinking in my office, cops beg their pardon
watching my dirty movies with college buddies, in a theater
shameless, students, faculty, and staff
getting kicked out of the corner and my fight to get back in
getting kicked out of bars and coney's
when a dead dog grows out of the ground
the saddest halloween with my sister
meeting chris on swallow circle
the flood on swallow with jason
comley the crook
the nazarenes
elvira (lavina) and the art classes
grandma rose, rosie riveter, hawaii, hitchhiking, and nebraska
you can't joke with a veitnam vet
biking in mississippi
wire and can collecting in mississippi
the beer vending machine
waterbed sand
radio voice man, naked in the park, running away, shoplifting, pushing further away from home
blue volkswagon with home stereo speakers
melvyn comes back with a car for sis
dishwasher at Don and Lil's
Greyhound $49 or less
Fighting for my senior year
Building the set for the best high school play ever
Stealing signs, riding in the van
Sis goes to intensive care with "AIDS"
Sis and John, John's sis and I
trailer park life, second hand
shit creek road
devil's ice box
wildcat and the blue hole
the blue hole's winter dare
collecting cans on the beach, naked woman, riding bikes with John
My family has a reputation at the elementary school
I love Lucy is a fire hazard
Boys build forts and fight
Walking home from the mall, a stranger tries to grab us
Strangers from a car crash stumble in to our house
Waking up in a phone booth, 2 days later
I tried to sleep with a friend but almost got arrested for DUI
my neighbor stole christmas
dreams of reiko
getting caught stealing at the grocery store, but my plan works
trying to make mush with John stoned
the night our brakes stuck
driving across the desert in a beetle with suckers
no power no water, the creek
singing dr. hook in the beetle
the dog puddle, bubbles
rage against the machine, two men, one room, lots of blood
the day we couldn't say no to him
stro's party, and the guys from the reservation
the high train tracks
snowboarding with stro and the devil
the devil catches me with a camera after taco bell
the roof top party, over the bar
walking through the rain, saying goodbye
the devil, waterballons, kids, and an old woman
the devil and firecrackers
a small town, a large walleye, and the Doors
drowning with stro
the hail storm and brillo pads
getting stoned, russians, exercise, and nukes
i've never felt so alone before (in the desert)
coming home and the home was gone
getting a house with L and her cat
the party after the fire (you don't know EMO)
losing the best cat in the world
the grand hotel, best onsen on Earth
the big buddha, spinwheels
captain planet, enemy of the free peoples
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Instructions Not Included
Here is a story about the first weeks after arriving to my first duty assignment in the Air Force. In the military busy work could be anything from mowing lawns that don't
need to be mowed to renovating buildings on the cheap so the government
didn't have to hire contractors. Busy work happened all the time to
everyone and is a major part of GI life. The group of guys and girls I arrived with assigned to live in the same dorm were given the best busy work ever, but I didn't know it at the time. As a matter of fact, you could fill a yarmulke with the things I knew about my new life in the military right about then.
So, the morning comes for the band of brothers and sisters to report to the dorm manager to work for Uncle Sam and the washout sergeant in charge of our dorm gives us the assignment. We are to go across the field and help empty out another dorm that is going to be renovated.
Pardon my digression but I have to explain the washout sergeant. When you are progressing in a military career, earning stripes and responsibility, there are requirements in testing and merit that you must adhere to in order to progress, stay in your career of choice, and not get kicked out. Well, if you can't pass muster in one way or another, or maybe you piss off someone in leadership they will find a "Siberia" to send you to. One of those no-man's-lands is being a dorm manager.
Our group of about 20 or so men and women ranging in ages from 18 to 25 looked like that old Cocoa-Cola commercial "I want to buy the world a coke". We didn't really talk much and stood in the cold, morning sun outside the building we were directed to waiting for someone to come and guide us. After about half an hour another washout sergeant came out and divided us in to groups of 8 and directed us to separate floors.
The instructions were simple. Empty all the rooms of everything but curtains and carpet.
That was it.
The only other statement was that we had to be done by 4 pm.
I asked the tall guy next to me if he wanted to pair up and he said yes. We walked down the 3rd floor hallway about halfway and turned in to a room on our right. We started grabbing mattresses, bed frames, headboards, dressers, coat racks, night stands, lamps, and anything else that wasn't nailed down. We would walk down the hallway, get to the outdoor staircase, carry everything down the three flights of open air riveted steel steps. He and I were able to empty a room in about 45 minutes.
It was 10 o'clock and the morning wasn't being kind to us. Everyone we passed or stopped to talk to as we paused, sweating said the same thing...we aren't going to finish this in six hours. There was a sense of desperation, of confusion. Me and my partner paused at the bottom of the outdoor stairs where everyone had begun to lay down their furniture. A menagerie of items piled up in no discernible order. I stood there panting and thinking.
Just then someone threw a book off the stairs on the fourth floor. As the wind and velocity tore the pages from it and fluttered to the ground I pondered something.
My eyes passed from that fourth floor open door down to the stacks of furniture and piled mattresses.
Then I got it! An idea! We would finish in time after all!
I asked my partner to help me pull all the mattresses to the center right under the stairs off in the grass. As we got them in a pile similar to a bonfire I announced my plan.
He and I would go up to the room we were already emptying and start with the mattresses. We will toss them over the stairs and down the three flights to the pile we made below. If everything went without a hitch we would try heavy furniture. If that went well, we would tell everyone.
I can't say for certain about my partner but I know I was giddy. I ran up those stairs and down to the room. When he grabbed the other end of the mattress we almost trotted down the hallway. When we stood at the edge of the stairwell with a mattress stood on end I leaned over and yelled out "LOOK OUT BELOW!" as he tipped it over the edge.
A slow motion real whirred to life. The mattress made two revolutions around itself before striking the pile we had made below. When it struck it bent violently in half and then sprung back to shape and popped up in the air like a cheerleader after a goal. Again it fell back to Earth and laid on the pile and created a short bridge to some dressers.
I announced it as a success. Me and my partner went back to the room for a dresser. When we returned to the stairwell he was going to yell to clear the way and I was tipping. Several of the groups had stopped working after hearing our cries and the quick buzz that was spreading of what we had done. Half the workforce stood by as I lifted the dresser over the rails and dropped it down the many feet below. It made a nose dive and hit the pile center. It didn't bounce but twisted quickly on to its back and rested off to the right.
We had a plan!
Everyone was in!
Soon it wasn't work anymore. It was a line of people standing on the staircase with their respective pieces of furniture waiting for the chance to drop. Mattresses went flailing and then were pushed back in to the center of the newly burgeoning pile of furniture. We all took turns making walls of dressers around the mattress center to avoid any undo destruction. It took a few heavy furniture drops from the fourth floor for everyone to realize that anything hitting at the wrong angle could turn in to a projectile. Several times a group of people had to dive for cover as a 150 pound chest of drawers came at them after striking off center.
We lost a few pieces. Sometimes a night stand or dresser would land in the middle and stay there before being cleared when the next item was dropped.
What a mighty explosion of wood it would make. Some clapping and laughing would be had after such "accidents".
It took three hours for us to clear the whole building.
No one came back to check on us so we sat out in the grass for the remaining hours laughing and reminiscing about the best of the bounces, explosions, and scattershots.
Eventually both of the dorm managers came back to check on our progress. Their shock lasted for minutes. They walked through the building. The stood at the pile. Mouths agape.
Finally, one of them came to his senses and barked at everyone to line up in the parking lot...NOW!
We stood there as he walked the line yelling: WHY! WHO DID THIS! I WANT ANSWERS!
I stood firm and raised my hand. I said it was my idea and that I convinced everyone to follow along.
He yelled in my face for a good 10 minutes about the dismal state of the Air Force, their recruitment practices, my mental capacity, my mother's choices, my facial expressions, how I smelled, what he was going to do to me, what the Air Force was going to do to me, how much money was just wasted, how much trouble he was in, and how much trouble I was going to be in as long as he worked in the dorm and I lived there.
Eventually an officer showed up and dismissed everyone.
We went back to our rooms and cleaned up.
I waited for the other shoe to fall.
I waited for a police escort.
Gingerly I went to dinner at the chow hall. When everyone was clapping me on the back and laughing at dinner telling story after story I knew it was going to be alright.
Oh, dear reader, how I wish you could have been there.
So, the morning comes for the band of brothers and sisters to report to the dorm manager to work for Uncle Sam and the washout sergeant in charge of our dorm gives us the assignment. We are to go across the field and help empty out another dorm that is going to be renovated.
Pardon my digression but I have to explain the washout sergeant. When you are progressing in a military career, earning stripes and responsibility, there are requirements in testing and merit that you must adhere to in order to progress, stay in your career of choice, and not get kicked out. Well, if you can't pass muster in one way or another, or maybe you piss off someone in leadership they will find a "Siberia" to send you to. One of those no-man's-lands is being a dorm manager.
Our group of about 20 or so men and women ranging in ages from 18 to 25 looked like that old Cocoa-Cola commercial "I want to buy the world a coke". We didn't really talk much and stood in the cold, morning sun outside the building we were directed to waiting for someone to come and guide us. After about half an hour another washout sergeant came out and divided us in to groups of 8 and directed us to separate floors.
The instructions were simple. Empty all the rooms of everything but curtains and carpet.
That was it.
The only other statement was that we had to be done by 4 pm.
I asked the tall guy next to me if he wanted to pair up and he said yes. We walked down the 3rd floor hallway about halfway and turned in to a room on our right. We started grabbing mattresses, bed frames, headboards, dressers, coat racks, night stands, lamps, and anything else that wasn't nailed down. We would walk down the hallway, get to the outdoor staircase, carry everything down the three flights of open air riveted steel steps. He and I were able to empty a room in about 45 minutes.
It was 10 o'clock and the morning wasn't being kind to us. Everyone we passed or stopped to talk to as we paused, sweating said the same thing...we aren't going to finish this in six hours. There was a sense of desperation, of confusion. Me and my partner paused at the bottom of the outdoor stairs where everyone had begun to lay down their furniture. A menagerie of items piled up in no discernible order. I stood there panting and thinking.
Just then someone threw a book off the stairs on the fourth floor. As the wind and velocity tore the pages from it and fluttered to the ground I pondered something.
My eyes passed from that fourth floor open door down to the stacks of furniture and piled mattresses.
Then I got it! An idea! We would finish in time after all!
I asked my partner to help me pull all the mattresses to the center right under the stairs off in the grass. As we got them in a pile similar to a bonfire I announced my plan.
He and I would go up to the room we were already emptying and start with the mattresses. We will toss them over the stairs and down the three flights to the pile we made below. If everything went without a hitch we would try heavy furniture. If that went well, we would tell everyone.
I can't say for certain about my partner but I know I was giddy. I ran up those stairs and down to the room. When he grabbed the other end of the mattress we almost trotted down the hallway. When we stood at the edge of the stairwell with a mattress stood on end I leaned over and yelled out "LOOK OUT BELOW!" as he tipped it over the edge.
A slow motion real whirred to life. The mattress made two revolutions around itself before striking the pile we had made below. When it struck it bent violently in half and then sprung back to shape and popped up in the air like a cheerleader after a goal. Again it fell back to Earth and laid on the pile and created a short bridge to some dressers.
I announced it as a success. Me and my partner went back to the room for a dresser. When we returned to the stairwell he was going to yell to clear the way and I was tipping. Several of the groups had stopped working after hearing our cries and the quick buzz that was spreading of what we had done. Half the workforce stood by as I lifted the dresser over the rails and dropped it down the many feet below. It made a nose dive and hit the pile center. It didn't bounce but twisted quickly on to its back and rested off to the right.
We had a plan!
Everyone was in!
Soon it wasn't work anymore. It was a line of people standing on the staircase with their respective pieces of furniture waiting for the chance to drop. Mattresses went flailing and then were pushed back in to the center of the newly burgeoning pile of furniture. We all took turns making walls of dressers around the mattress center to avoid any undo destruction. It took a few heavy furniture drops from the fourth floor for everyone to realize that anything hitting at the wrong angle could turn in to a projectile. Several times a group of people had to dive for cover as a 150 pound chest of drawers came at them after striking off center.
We lost a few pieces. Sometimes a night stand or dresser would land in the middle and stay there before being cleared when the next item was dropped.
What a mighty explosion of wood it would make. Some clapping and laughing would be had after such "accidents".
It took three hours for us to clear the whole building.
No one came back to check on us so we sat out in the grass for the remaining hours laughing and reminiscing about the best of the bounces, explosions, and scattershots.
Eventually both of the dorm managers came back to check on our progress. Their shock lasted for minutes. They walked through the building. The stood at the pile. Mouths agape.
Finally, one of them came to his senses and barked at everyone to line up in the parking lot...NOW!
We stood there as he walked the line yelling: WHY! WHO DID THIS! I WANT ANSWERS!
I stood firm and raised my hand. I said it was my idea and that I convinced everyone to follow along.
He yelled in my face for a good 10 minutes about the dismal state of the Air Force, their recruitment practices, my mental capacity, my mother's choices, my facial expressions, how I smelled, what he was going to do to me, what the Air Force was going to do to me, how much money was just wasted, how much trouble he was in, and how much trouble I was going to be in as long as he worked in the dorm and I lived there.
Eventually an officer showed up and dismissed everyone.
We went back to our rooms and cleaned up.
I waited for the other shoe to fall.
I waited for a police escort.
Gingerly I went to dinner at the chow hall. When everyone was clapping me on the back and laughing at dinner telling story after story I knew it was going to be alright.
Oh, dear reader, how I wish you could have been there.
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